PETCO Poops on Pooter!! Al Gored by Gasprom!! Hillary Pilloried by Thetans!! Yikes!! Mitt does not like to lose. Somehow he convinced Congress to send Nancy Pelosi and Barney Frank to Bulgaria as the first Mormon missionaries ever to the new "hot spot" of freedom, democratic powerlifting, and Bulgarian Idol. They get free bikes-and a first rate helmet-to ride through the Bulgarian countryside spreading the inside scoop on how to hold democratic elections with a Mormon twist-you spend tons of money and end up losing to some guy who specializes in Sunni-Shiite relations from Fatwa to Basra.
Al and Tipper started their stay in lush, homey Chechnya on a roll. The Al and Tipper Show-Healthcare Secrets CUBA (CignaUnited BluecrossAetna) Do Not Want You to Know-which was chockfull with natural remedies for common medical problems (eg, Tipper's favorite: have an industrial strength AED on hand in the pantry in case your hubby slides into v-tach-Let me tell ya-Al would not be here to today if I hadn't known how to shock his jewels back into action) was a huge success.
But the highlight of the Allie G Show was the unveiling of the AG Alliance for Climate Cleanup of the Russky Stratosphere sponsored by Gazprom Unlimited, The CUBA Consortium, and The Tour de France. Clean air starts at home, and Tipper is going to demo the ACC-RS Home Power Station. With that, Tipper hops on this exercise bike-lookalike whose back wheel was connected to a giant wind turbine and began to pedal like a possessed wife of a former Democratic candidate for the Big House. One hour later Tipper had generated enough energy to light and heat a 1 room Winnebago for 6 hours.
Two more hours and Tipper almost keeps the fridge and a small space heater going for a minimum of 12 hours. And, look how much weight Tipper's lost while pedaling her big buns off. We are going to get every little 1 room shanty in Russia their very own Big Al Golden Generator.
The latter remark hit home with the Gazprom PR guy as he began to realize Al and Tipper were going to cut way in to 2008 profits if their little home energy generator caught fire in Gazprom's own backyard. As we speak, Al and Tipper have Barney and Nancy pedaling their Congressional asses off for the people of Bulgaria, generating power and megawatts of good will on the Bulgar version of U Tube. And Al has been given permission to clean up those "filthy Bulgarian lungs" along with an extended 25-year contract by Gazprom to test the air purifying impact of the Big Al GG on ozone levels in Sofia.
Meanwhile, George Walker has tried to "beef up" the Russian economy by having the People's Treasury send out a ruble-backed certificate for a free MRI for every household in the People's Republic. Unfortunately, the certificates were rapidly converted on the black market to coupons good for 1 liter of Valmart Vodka. And Georgie is also dealing with much unhappiness from the CUBA Consortium, who have discovered that their stock options and executive perks are nonexistent in Georgia, Chechnya, and all other local retail outlets of Banko Siberia.
To add sweaty insult to injury, Laura is totally peeved that she has to pedal 6 hours a day just to keep GW's Coors Lite cold.
Back on the home front, Pooter quickly got kicked off Dancing with the Stars for using "bad language" and spitting on his former partner-Annie C, who had had the gall to label him as "nothing more than a liberal Russian wimp who can't dance worth a flip and who can't speak English."
And Petco vetoed any working relationship with Pooter, saying that it was easier working with a drug-crazed Rautweiler than a failed Russian threepeat.
That was the deal-breaker. George and Laura returned to Crawford, although GW made sure Laura kept the Big Al GG just in case we needed to power up the feedlots on the ranch. Pooter huffily flew back to Petrograd, barking all the way.
And Obama is learning how to speak Tejano and tango with the CUBAnos.